


feelings

by cupidhyun



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, [adding tags as I go], pinning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-06 02:58:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19053847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidhyun/pseuds/cupidhyun
Summary: where a boy is more than in love with his best friend.





	feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 am;
> 
> late night car comforting.

* * *

  _been sitting alone for hours_

 _somehow can’t get you off my mind_  

 _[_ feelings, dana vaughns _]_

* * *

 

 

chris, from the corner of his eyes, watched him slowly pull his knees up to his chest. chin rested on top staring off into the distance at some unknown object and arms wrapped around his legs to keep them in place.

 

he held a small pout on his face and that only made chris want to lean over and try to kiss it away or something of that nature.

 

_because his gummy smile fit him so much better._

 

he never really understood why jisung was always so quick to cover up his smile. always moving so quick to throw a hand over his mouth to cover that amazing smile.

 

“you wanna talk about it?” chris asked after a few minutes of silence after he cut the engine to his shitty car.

 

jisung is always so vocal about how much he hated the car and about how he should invest in a new one before one day they break down on the side of the road and be shit out of luck (it really wasn’t that bad, jisung just liked to exaggerate to get on chris nerves).

 

his hoodie cladded hands pushed back a stray strand of hair that kept tickling his forehead with every breath he took.

 

_when the hell did he take the hoodie?_

 

his eyes fluttered shut “mmm, s’not really anything to talk about.”

 

it was silent for a few moments, only before jisung spoke up again

 

“i just feel stupid, you know. i constantly feel like i don’t serve a purpose here. a waste of oxygen, just being used up when it can be going towards someone else. something else? i just, i don’t know,” he lets out the shaky breath his brain did register he was holding in, “i don’t… i don't make anyone happy around me and it it just makes me feel like a complete failure. i just… wanna be someone’s happy muse.”

 

“what do you mean? you always make me happy, jisung.”

 

a sniffle had sounded from the smaller boy and it truly broke chris heart because seeing someone you’ve been in love with, well for forever, so vulnerable and beaten now really does something to your heart.

 

“you’re only saying that because you’re my friend and honestly… i’m not even sure why you’re still trying to put up with me,” he lets out a strained, almost painful laugh, “ i would’ve been left by now.”

 

yet, jisung was so _oblivious_ about chris feelings no matter how transparent he tried to be with him. he wanted more out of this relationship.

 

he wanted to give jisung more, wanted to feel love and have hope in something. he wanted to see his eyes light up at the thought of him. the reason his big, bright, beautiful smile never falls from his face. he wanted to be the reason jisung looked forward to living another day. he wanted to be his happy muse.

 

because jisung was definitely his.

 

chris just scoffs “what does that have to do with anything? i'm not _trying_ to do anything and i’m not saying that because we’re friends, i’m saying it because i genuinely care about you and i love having you around. and i would never, not in a million years, even think about leaving you,” he lets his finger reach out to poke his wet cheeks, small loving smile on his face, “no matter how obnoxious you are 99.9% of the time.”

 

jisung swats his finger away but keeps it in his grasp “ _heyy_ , i can't help that.”

 

he watched the boy lower his legs from the position he had been sitting in since they arrived at the deserted parking lot. the sleeves of the oversized hoodie he wore was used to wipe his tear stained cheeks off.

 

and as dumb as it sounded, chris always loved to see jisung cry but not in a sadistic kind of way. but because he loved the way his cheeks would get puffier than they usually were and because of the pretty light blush that settled amongst them. he also loved giving his all just to comfort him and making him feel worthy. he always wanted him to feel worthy because it’s the least he deserves.

 

the grip on his finger was released only to be replaced with a warmer feeling of jisung intertwining their fingers together. and he knew it wasn’t in that kind of sense because the younger was just naturally affectionate but but he couldn’t help but to hope. hope that maybe just maybe he reciprocated even just an ounce of what chris felt.

 

“i’m sorry”

 

“for what?”

 

“i- for stealing your hoodie without asking and not giving it back. in my defense, i was scared to give it back to you. didn’t know how you’d react and,” he pulled at the drawstrings, dropping his gaze, “and for being a burden and always coming to you crying about simple shit. you don’t deserve that.”

 

chris shakes his head, “no, i always want you to come to me when you have any issues or bad thoughts invading your mind. i want to know them because holding them in to yourself is only gonna make them worse and i don’t want to find out what happens after that.”

 

he felt a soft squeeze in his hand that made his heart squeeze back in return.

 

“thank you” his voice came out small and hushed but clearly laced with greatness

 

“anytime,” chris sends him a smile that was instantly returned, “and keep the hoodie, it looks better on you then it ever would look on me in any lifetime”

 

silence fell amongst them once again and he decided that maybe it was time to drop jisung off and to head home himself.

 

so he started up the car, some r&b song playing on the radio low but just enough to make out the lyrics in the background, before slowly pulling out of the same parking lot that unexpectedly brought them comfort on restless nights like this one.

 

“hey, chris?”

 

“yeah?”

 

“i love you.”

 

“i love you too, jisung.”

 

and maybe ‘i love you’ wasn’t meant to be taken in that way either but he still liked to hold onto that hope at 3 am.

 

especially with jisung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello hello,
> 
> I just kinda wanted to do a little explanation section to explaine kinda what I’m going for and how this idea kinda came up (especially since this is the first chapter).
> 
> basically, last night I had a soft moment where I went on a really long soft rant about how I wish I knew Chan and just came up with imaginary bond we’d have. and so after that I was like ‘shit maybe I can write this out as an au but in another one of the boys pov’ but as I was writing the first chapter bast off of the first thing I said about what I wish with Chan... I realized that I could really put my emotions into one person and that my rant wasn’t really about Chan but was about what I long for in a relationship with someone?
> 
> both, Chan and Jisung, are me in this au. one side is more clearer depending on which side you decide to pay attention to the most (no matter who’s pov it’s written in).
> 
> In this first chapter, it was me symbolizing myself Chan putting my feelings out there but then if you focus in on just, it’s how my voices, in my own head, talk to me and how i feel on the receiving end. really observing yet super oblivious to everyone and everything around me.
> 
> Idk if that makes much sense but yeah.
> 
> while reading put yourself in both Jisung and Chan’s shoes because there’s probably gonna be a lot of sudden flipping around without much warning.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!  
> feed back and suggestions is welcome~
> 
> twitter: @cupidhyun


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